So, the decision has been made. Due to a lack of choices, I have to accompany my family to Texas. My current job just doesn’t pay me enough to live on my own and remain in Oregon. This has just devastated me and sent me spiraling down that dark hole of depression. I can’t sleep at night because my anxiety keeps me awake. I’ve been like this all month. If I want a future with Doug, I need to shape up and suck it up. So, I sent him a text this morning:
Good morningI have something to say. It may not matter to you but it certainly matters to me.I realize that since the new year has begun (and let’s be honest, even before that) I’ve been depressed despite our new relationship. I know it’s not made me pleasant to talk to or deal with and I complain a lot about things. I just want you to know that I know this and I’m not proud of it. I’ve let my situation get to me and bring me down instead of staying positive and remembering the good things I have. After spending a huge chunk of last night restless and full of anxiety, I have decided that it’s time for me to shape up and stop just accepting my depression as another day in the life of Astra. You mean the world to me and I hate when you’re disappointed with me. That said, I do not want this bullshit to fall on you because it’s not your problem. And as much as I’d like to lean on you for support, it’s not fair to you. So what I’m trying to say is that I’m sorry that I’ve been moody and I will find that part of me that can be happy and pleasant to be around and squash the negativity.Thank you for loving me despite all that shit. It does keep me going.