And Just Like That…

No one likes to receive distressing news while at work.  That’s what happened to me yesterday morning.

Doug texted.  He decided to inform me that none of his family members approve of me or our relationship.  His brother, I already knew about.  He’s never been kind to me for whatever reason.  His other family members though…  It was like a punch in the gut. No one will cherish and love Doug for who he is better than I will.  They don’t know me at all.  It’s amazing how quickly people can pass judgement on someone they don’t even know.

His brother just had the most awful things to say.  Don’t sacrifice things for her.  Don’t move for her.  Don’t share your feelings with her.  She’s bad news.  She’ll come between us.  So on and so forth.  His dad said I was irresponsible white trash.  Never before in my life have I EVER been called white trash.  I was completely blown away.  Like, his dad had always been friendly with me.  Now that his son has chosen to interact romantically with me, I’m white trash.  Not good enough.  The words his grandmother had to say hurt the worst though.  I am too fat for her grandson.  I’m not active enough and I’ll hold Doug back.   Not pretty enough, not skinny enough, not educated enough, not financially secure enough.  I’m not good enough for him.

Doug says that it doesn’t matter what they think.  It’s irritating but holds no sway over him.  In my head, I tacked on “…for now.”  How long before they get to him and he leaves me because they’ve convinced him I’m not good enough?  What if he’s already thinking it now?  What if he’s already doubting me?

You have no idea how much I hated myself yesterday.  All I ever wanted was to be liked for who I am.  Not for what I look like.  And that’s all they see about me.  How I look.

It hurts.  A lot.

I put on an angry, hurt face for Doug which was only partly true.  I’m hurt and numb.  You’d think by now that words like this would stop hurting after all these years.  They still hurt like they’ve always hurt.  They tear me open a little more each time.  It’s amazing that I don’t have some eating disorder or agoraphobia.

I’ve never had to combat people I KNOW on this subject before.  It’s one thing to confront my mother with her words but it’s another to confront Doug’s family with their words.  I’m legitimately lost on how to handle this.  I don’t even want to go down to California anymore.  I don’t want to see them.  I’m embarrassed.  I’m ashamed.  I wish beyond anything I could make myself look better.

I just don’t know what to do.