I often wonder how often Doug thinks about our future. Why? He’s been calling me his “waifu” or wife outside our favorite MMO for a while now. Last night, he told someone we were married. Yet, when the topic of marriage actually comes up, he says he’ll never marry. It’s rather contradictory. A couple weeks ago, he noticed I had changed my last name to my maiden name on Messenger and said, “You can just change it to my last name.” I was kinda shocked. I didn’t know what to say. In the end, I didn’t change my last name to his. It seemed… too soon. Almost felt like I would catch hell from various people if I had done that. I won’t lie. I’ve toyed with the idea in my head. I’ve said the name in my head before. I’ve even whispered it aloud. My BFF has even called me by that name. In jest, of course.
So, of course, I wonder if Doug just says he won’t marry to keep me on my toes. To be fair, that is something he would do. Knowing him, he’d keep telling me that it’s not something he wants and would wait until he’s ready and surprise the hell out of me. That seems to be his nature. He loves to keep me on my toes. He loves to keep me guessing. Although, I imagine it would be a couple years before any of this happens. Like I said before, it’s still super early in our relationship.
It’s amazing how many people are gunning for us to succeed. I think I’m mostly shocked at his friends. They’ve been congratulatory. Lots of well wishes and “it’s about time” comments. Is it bad that I can’t help but wonder what they really think about us? I’m sure it’s just my sociophobia coming to rear its ugly head. I should really put those thoughts away. I’m trying my hardest to use Doug’s constant state of positivity as a jumping off point to rebuild my confidence and mental state.
I haven’t once thought of suicide since January 18th.