He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

Well, I’m going back to California.  I’m not sure why I agreed to go visit for the New Year.  Although, this short time I’ve been away from Doug has been helpful.  But it’s not enough.  We still talk every single day.  We still play together every single day.  His behavior recently has been off.  Picks on me a little more than usual.  He has more asshole moments.  And while I expect nothing from him, I still find myself wanting to talk to him every day.  Quite honestly, I find it very hard not to be around him in some capacity.  When he’s not being an asshole (dunno what’s wrong with him lately), he’s still my male BFF.  However, I’m not sure how he is.  I guess I shouldn’t really call him my male BFF.  Our friendship consists of me giving a shit about him and him just wanting me around for companionship.  Now that I’m really thinking about it, it seems like he cares about as much as my ex-husband did.  So maybe he doesn’t care as much as I’d like to think he does.  That’s fine.

I really wish I understood Doug.  Spends every day talking to me, usually initiated by him.  We play video games together.  I know his family.  He keeps inviting me to come down to stay.  He wanted me to move to California.  When we’re together, we go out all the time.  Wine tasting, dinner, drives… Yet, doesn’t seem to want to get to know ME.  But he does know my habits.

I’d like to say I’m worth more than that.  But, I know I’m not.  I’m not worth much at all.  I’m a woman with crippling mental issues.  No one wants to deal with that.  So, not only is my inside a mess, my outside is a disaster.  I’m the full fucking package, people.  Come get me.  *sigh*

I’m gonna go wallow in self-pity for a while and then snap out of it and pretend everything is fine.