The Beast


It’s the holiday season and it’s the worst time of year for me.  I’m currently visiting my family who lives 2500 miles away.  I don’t really want to be here… yet here I am.  I didn’t realize how invisible I was to this family until a few weeks before my trip.  I’m an afterthought here.  For example, my family planned a dinner out for when my youngest sister arrived yesterday.  I was completely unaware of this until I heard my sister tell my mother while on speakerphone.  My dad called me an hour before dinner to invite me.

I feel very alone.  I’ve barely heard from Doug and my best friend.  I get it, it’s holiday season.  Thanksgiving. Everyone is busy with their own lives and families.  I just wish someone was here for me to be distracted by.   Instead, I get to sit around with plenty of time to think about all the things I hate about myself and my life.  I’m a complete wreck.  The other night, I laid down at 11:00pm and all I did was toss and turn and think about everything I’ve failed at, how empty my life is, how no one really cares if I’m here or not, how lonely I am, my destroyed finances, and if I really should relocate to California.  I didn’t fall asleep until 3:30-4:00am.  I woke up at 7:00am.  I know my depression is getting worse because I’m starting to sleep less.  I’m also eating less.  I’m only eating dinner lately.  I don’t really eat during the day.  I keep telling myself this is good.  Maybe I’ll stop eating all together and lose some weight.  Maybe if I look decent on the outside, someone might actually want me.  But in the end, I know I’m only fooling myself.  No one wants me.  I’m too ugly, thick or thin.  And since our society is ruled by physical appearance, well… I’m shit out of luck.

I know I picked a death day already but I don’t think I’m going to make it that far.  2 more years of this bullshit?  I really don’t think I can do it.  I’m tired.  I’m tired of hating myself, tired of worrying, tired of wanting to be loved, tired of needing someone to tell me that I was made for them.  Without that, I’m nothing.  I’ve never had anyone tell me I was made for them.  I’ve never really felt fulfilled.  I’ve always ended up with people who enjoy one or two things about my personality but barely tolerate other aspects of my personality.  I really thought my ex-husband was going to be the one.  Until I realized that I was simply someone to split the bills with and make his finances easier for him.  You know, there are times I start to wonder if maybe karma is real.  That multiple lives are real.  Is this life a punishment for something I did in a previous life?  If so, what the fuck did I do?!  If so, then I didn’t learn anything from this life other than it’s the worst thing I could have possibly obtained.  I don’t see love and light and happiness.  All I see is negativity and cynical observations.  The glass is always half empty.  Well, Universe, if this really is supposed to be a lesson, then I’ve failed.  I’m the Beast and there is no Beauty for me.  Besides, who could ever love a beast?

1 Comment

  1. I am so sorry that you are feeling this way, no one should have to feel as though they are not enough, or that they are unloveable. I doesn’t matter what you’ve done, who you are – you are worth it. Don’t allow others to diminish your worth. Please stay awhile longer, you are so much stronger than you think.

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