Dramatic Down Swing

Today was probably the worst day I’ve had in a long while.

I woke up and immediately thought, “Fuck. I’m alive.” Followed with an inward groan. Immediately, I was in a foul mood. Doug didn’t help anything by trying to get me out of bed for an hour. I just did not want to leave bed this morning. I laid there, reading. I finally had enough badgering from Doug and got up.

I seriously had no energy at all to fake it today. I moped around Doug’s house all day. I forced myself to shower. I forced myself to eat. I forced myself to interact with Doug. I didn’t have any energy left to smile or laugh or even sit up straight. Any time I had a few minutes alone, I wanted to burst into tears. To tell the truth, I wanted so badly to cry but I just didn’t have the energy to let them out. I didn’t want Doug to see it. I didn’t want him to even think for a moment that anything was as wrong as it really was.

All day long, I wanted to disappear. I wanted something to just take it all away. I wanted to crawl back into bed and just ignore existing. Doug knew I was in a mood, at the very least. He did what he could to keep me engaged. I appreciate the concern but he was the last person I wanted to help me.

So, finally, I’m back in bed. Doug is in his bed. We have Netflix playing and I’m finishing this up. I want to pass out before he does. I don’t want to get up and turn the TV off. I just want to shut all the negativity out and try again tomorrow.