Still So Insignificant

I can’t shake it.  This feeling of nothingness.  This feeling that there’s nothing out here for me.

I’ve made myself too available for Doug.  I’m here staying with him again in what will be the longest visit we’ve had so far.

Doug has taken to crashing in the same room as me.  Which he’s never done before.  He’s such a light sleeper that I’m surprised he would willingly do this.  He can’t sleep with any noise, yet he turned my fan on for me last night and warned that he might turn it off.  I woke up to him getting up to get ready for work and my fan was still on.

Why does this make me want him even more?

Because he potentially sacrificed his sleep knowing that I would sleep better with my fan?  Maybe he just needed the noise too.  Maybe he didn’t know before how great sleeping with a fan is.  lol

We talked about our mothers last night.  And how living with bi-polar depression is just makes so many things difficult.  I didn’t even know that he dealt with that.  He always puts on such a happy face.  Or anger.  But I usually help him through the anger.  I wish I knew how he dealt with his depression.  I can’t even begin to imagine what living without sadness is like. But he’s just so confident all the time.  I live with so much self-hatred that I can’t do it.  Micheal tried to get me into the right head space all those years ago.  He managed to get me further than even my therapists have done over the years.  I know what to do to make me feel better but without acknowledgement, it feels like I’m just fooling myself.

I digress though.

Anyway, our talks last night just put me back into a head space I’ve been trying to crawl out of for a couple weeks now.  I kept thinking about how Doug and I have so much in common.  How does he not see this?  What is it about me that he doesn’t want at all and thus rejects me?  Is it that I live 10 hours away?  Is it my looks?  Is it my habits?  Is it my age?  I mean, I am older than him but it’s not by too much.  I keep telling myself that I need to let it go and accept that the friend zone is the only place I’ll be with him.  It’s so hard because even his weird little flaws make him who he is and I still love him.  Sometimes he gets so enraged that it scares me a bit and I worry for him, but I never feel scared of him.  I’m extremely flattered that he calls ME when he gets so angry that he can’t stand it.  He calls me to talk him through his anger.  He stands up for me when I’m not there to defend myself.  He seems to care about my well being.  He even wants my presence around.  He wants me to live near him.  The other day, my car was having issues and he shrugged and said, “It just gives you a reason to stay longer”.

Stay longer?

You see why I’m so confused about Doug?  We interact like a couple.  We share so much in common.  We share food, drinks, even a bedroom now.  We read the same kinds of books. Watch the same types of shows. Our hobbies are similar. He’s educated in areas I am not and I’m educated in areas he is not.  We’re like yin and yang.  I can honestly say that I feel complete with him.  As usual though, I start wondering if I’m just seeing things that aren’t really there.  Am I trying to find stuff we have in common because I like him so much?  It can’t be.  I don’t even believe in destiny or soul mates or things like that… but I can’t help but feel something is there.  Something brought us together.

It’s the hardest thing on earth to keep my thoughts and feelings to myself when I’m here with him.  I don’t want to be upfront with him about how I feel for him because I couldn’t handle the rejection.  I’d separate myself from him.  I really enjoy our friendship.  It’s the closest thing I have to a relationship… there’s just no intimacy.  Yes, I want that intimacy and I know that after a while, not having that intimacy will become too much.  I suppose I should get used to it.  No one wants me.  No one ever will want me.  They all just want everything I have to offer without having to give anything back.  They’ll find someone else to do that to once I’m gone.

I’ve picked my death date.  My 40th birthday.  That gives me some time to really make preparations.  Get my finances in order.  Minimize my belongings.  Settle on a method. Finalize my will.  Say my good-byes.