I had cut Alen off.
At first, it was painful. Especially when he’d show up where I was. He wouldn’t say a word to me. Just watch. I stayed quiet and kept to myself, not giving him something to watch. I wouldn’t look at him. No glances of longing. Bella was by my side through it but I often wondered what she wasn’t telling me. She remained friends with him. Bella still went out and did things with him.
After a week, Bella tells me that he is hurt that I left him. That I broke his heart. That I broke his heart. He had no idea the tears I cried over his betrayal. Yet I was the one breaking hearts! The audacity of Alen!
To this day, I wish she had never told me those words. I wanted so badly to believe that he really did love me. That I meant to him what he meant to me. My heart ached for him but my head kept reminding me what a bastard he was.
My husband could see something was wrong. Yet after the year I had, I was tired. My marriage was failing, my relationship failed, my relationship with my family was strained. My heart hurt all the time. I didn’t want to get up and feel that pain all day long. I just wanted to sleep away any time I had when not dealing with my day to day responsibilities. I didn’t want to eat anything. Sometimes, even breathing hurt.
Bella kept feeding that strong, independent woman crap. I’m not strong. I’m weak. I’ve always been able to shut my emotions off except when it comes to love. Now, I had nothing.
So, I spent days curled up in a ball in my bed, wishing I could just die.
Alen messaged me on Facebook a couple weeks later. I accepted his message and read the whole bloody thing. Then I read it again. Then again. In a sense, he was yelling at me for hurting him and assuming such things. That if he didn’t love and care for me, he would have never been around. I didn’t want to betray Bella’s trust in me so, I never told Alen how his behavior affected me. We continued talking for an hour. At the end, he told me that I would never be rid of him.
And I, stupidly, accepted this and I let him back in.