Today, I sit in my empty home with my 2 cats. I hardly leave the house. People invite me out and I agree then cancel at the last minute. Unless it’s my BFF. She’s the only one I leave the house for. Excluding work. I’ve spent the last 5 months making up any excuse I could think of to work from home rather than go into the office. I have days where I don’t want to eat. Then days where I want to do nothing but eat. I sleep on my couch more than I sleep in my bed. I barely keep house until I can’t stand it anymore. All I hear in my head anymore is what a waste I am. Everything I touch turns to shit eventually. I got dealt a shitty genetic card and I get to deal with people judging me and whispers of, “If I ever end up looking like that,” eyeing me warily, “just shoot me.”
Yeah, that legit happened.
Yeah, I grew up with a mother who found me more of a nuisance and not worth teaching the basics of being a woman to. She groomed my younger sister to be super thin, perfect makeup tips, trendiest clothing. She got my sister into modeling. All while telling me how worthless I was. I’m not attractive, not to myself or anyone else. My husband decided to date me because I was nice and couldn’t have children. I mean, I know that it’s good that someone loved me for my personality and not my body. But for once, I’d like to have something that I can keep that is passionate and intellectual. I want someone who wants me as much as I want them. Although, after all these years, I still don’t have that and I sincerely doubt that I ever will. I’d have to be like Bella. And that I won’t ever have.
Every day is getting harder and harder to get up and just live for myself. I don’t want that. I hate being alone. Now that my marriage is over, I’m just reminded of how everything I touch turns to shit. My sister drinks to deal with her issues. I can’t stand the idea of being out of control like that. Some friends keep inviting me out to the bar and my first thought is, “Ugh. Makeup and alcohol. Do not want.”
I think emotionally, I’ve just never grown up. I know I’m searching desperately for someone to love me. I keep finding people who don’t know how to love the way I want to be loved. I keep thinking that I can teach them. Of course, that never works out and I’m right back where I was before. Alone. Empty. A waste of space.
I’m almost ready.