9 Days

I’ve been home 9 days.  In those 9 days, I have taken 3 showers and 1 bath.  I’ve changed my clothes 4 times. I’ve left the house 3 times.  I only leave my bedroom to go outside and smoke or use the bathroom.  I’ve had maybe 2 real conversations with my BFF.  I ordered “groceries”…

For Myself

Sometimes I watch romance movies or read romance novels.  From super sweet young love to stuff you can only imagine in the bedroom. I know they’re stories.  The magnetic connections.  The end of the world without that other half.  I love those stories because while watching/reading them, I dare to believe that anything is possible…

Shut It All Down

For me, it’s not just pictures. It’s books and videos and games and clothing and objects… everywhere I look, see, or hear lately have been evoking some depressing feeling in me. Even things that should normally make me happy have turned sour. Thoughts of suicide are almost constant. When I think about the consequences of…

Mike: Prelude to the Disease

I often wonder if maybe I bring my depression on myself. I can say that I know my depression started when I was 15.  I know exactly what event in my life triggered it.  I remember exactly where I was the very first time I wanted to die. 1995. I was a freshman in high…

The Beast

Ohai. It’s the holiday season and it’s the worst time of year for me.  I’m currently visiting my family who lives 2500 miles away.  I don’t really want to be here… yet here I am.  I didn’t realize how invisible I was to this family until a few weeks before my trip.  I’m an afterthought…

A Mother’s Love

I read this article earlier about hurtful things parents would say to their children that still affected them today.  It made me think of my mother. From the time I was about 9 until I was 18, my mother became increasingly emotionally and at times, physically abusive with me. I don’t know why, to this…

6 Weeks Later

I’m finally going home. I’m relieved. I’m sad. I’m going to miss him because I don’t know when I’m going to see him again.

The Concert

Since Doug’s birthday party, we seem to have grown a bit closer.  Obviously, not romantically.  I want to report that I’ve successfully gotten past that but I’d just be lying.  I do keep it on the back burner now.  I really only get upset when he starts talking about the girl he’d like to land. …

The Birthday Party

So, Doug’s birthday party was amazing.  I drank too much, got completely wasted. Side note: I don’t typically drink that much, if at all.  So that’s significant. After a nightly jaunt to the graveyard and hopping fences while smashed, we went back to the house to start winding down.  Doug was completely gone.  He could…

Just Tired.

I wanted to write stuff today but I’m just too tired to care anymore.

Dramatic Down Swing

Today was probably the worst day I’ve had in a long while. I woke up and immediately thought, “Fuck. I’m alive.” Followed with an inward groan. Immediately, I was in a foul mood. Doug didn’t help anything by trying to get me out of bed for an hour. I just did not want to leave…